Let’s talk about letting go. Let’s talk about my situation. Let’s talk about how we can apply this to your situation or any situation that needs to be relinquished.
I said I would take a break from my blog. I said this because this blog used to feel like such a treasure chest of diverse ideas and thoughts (my safe haven) and as of late, I was beginning to feel like a broken record. And kind of a fake. Not that I ever really formally categorized my blog under anything but ‘musings’, but it was starting to feel like a long-winded tragic relationship column with advice that I should have been taking myself, but wasn’t.
Don’t settle. Know what you deserve. Know your worth. Know what real love is.
I was writing these things, posting, dusting off my hands, shutting my laptop, and then instantly reverting to my toxic relationship because that’s what was comfortable for me. And because each time, I still had a glimmer of hope.
I kept returning to the relationship that was the reason for all these somewhat sanctimonious entries and also the source of my anxiety and stress. I did it because I believed that despite all the very obvious signs I was in a toxic situation, I couldn’t believe that it was happening to me.
And isn’t that always the way it goes? Our gut tells us that something is wrong, so we ask friends or family or THE INTERNET if that something really IS wrong, they confirm it is, but we still don’t listen because it can’t possibly be happening to us. My situation is different.
So against the wise advice of my loved ones, I carried on with it – and hesitantly sank back in, believing it would be different, believing my knight would be a knight, and trying to prove everyone else was wrong. I was silent, I hermitted, I took myself off the grid.
And lo-and-behold, guess what happened? It remained the same! Again! I was looked straight in the eyes and promised the sun and the moon and the stars and completely different (better) treatment and I bit at that carrot a little too eagerly before it was snatched away. I was still being accused of the same nonsense, I was still being painted in a horrible light, I still had to keep reminding myself who I am.
It’s the same old song and dance, my friend.
Guess what? I think the billionth time is a charm. And despite the love I have and always will have in my heart for this person (because there is no magical switch to turn this off), I am forcing myself to let go – for the benefit of my friends, my family, and myself, completely. Past Griffin is not anxiety-ridden! … and future Griffin will not be either.
We cling to things (relationships, jobs, friendships), foolishly believing that all the negative stuff is just a glitch, just temporary. BUT SOMETIMES IT’S NOT A GLITCH. When someone or something shows their true colours, maybe it’s best to sometimes just believe them the first time around.
Letting go in life isn’t easy. God knows that as an overly nostalgic being, I’ve never been good at it. It never has been easy and it never will be – but like laundry and dishes and like taking out the trash, it has to be done.
This has broken my heart, but I have to let go. And if there’s something or someone toxic in your life, you might want to contemplate the benefits of loosening your grip and eventually letting go too. No pressure. Letting go is a bitch. Especially when you put all your eggs in that basket. Especially when love is involved. You’ll know when it’s the right time. Oftentimes, it takes a figurative crowbar to the head. A thousand times.
I’m letting go of the belief that things would change. I’m letting go of my naivety, my gullibility and .. an illusion. I’m letting go of the conviction that I couldn’t be treated better than that. I’m letting go so I can welcome the brighter and happier part of my story. I’m letting go knowing that I didn’t give up – I tried way more times than I should have. I’m letting go, with gratitude and without regret, because loving this person has taught me lessons I didn’t know were still out there for me to learn.
It takes an insurmountable amount of courage to walk away. It takes a moment-by-moment approach. At the bare bones of it, it could feel like quitting an addiction. It is a roller coaster of emotion and a feeling that you might not make it to the next minute, but try to remember that on the other side of that minute, there is a smile. Then it will come crashing down (don’t worry – and much to your surprise – your loved ones will still be there) – then there will be another minute. Then another smile. Then you will start to feel okay. Then you will be okay. Then you will be consecutively okay. Then you will finally realize .. that you successfully let go.