It’s a difficult thing when something ends. It doesn’t matter if it was absolutely flawless or completely toxic – when something that you’ve become accustomed to comes to a screeching halt or even a long drawn out halt, you’re left wondering what could have been done to keep that pulse from flatlining. Case in point – relationships.
What could I have done differently? What could I have said? What decisions could I have made?
Hey. It’s been a while.
Let me explain.
I’ve been through some nerve-racking situations in my life. Like you, I’ve had my heart broken, I’ve been broke, and I have broken things and rendered them unfixable. This = uninvited stress. And up until this point, I’ve been able to deal – sometimes not very well, but I’ve been able to pull myself up and regain balance and see brightness where I genuinely thought it was impossible.
In the past, I’ve been able to burn some incense, make an enormous salad, bake, write or run – and the weight of the stress lessened and dissipated. Not this time.
This past month or so has been rocky. And admittedly, for a minute there – I lost myself. (Karma Poliiiiiice …) A stressful and emotional situation got to me and instead of keeping my head above water, I sunk. (This explains the cigarette cravings exactly 1 year, 9 months and 24 days after my quit date)
A quick word on happiness.
For some reason, it’s easier to write about sadness and sorrow and challenges than it is to write about happiness. The greatest songs ever written stem from heartbreak and grief and… longing. And pain. Some of my best and most raw blog entries have come from being hurt. But … there’s a lot to be said for happiness and the feelings that surround it.
I can safely say that right now in my life, I am happy. And it’s been a while since I could honestly say that. It’s because I’m choosing to be.
For the love of ALL THINGS HOLY, can we please end the stigma surrounding mental health?! Can we stop adding fuel to this fire?
There is good reason behind my break between posts. I was unexpectedly rushed home to Winnipeg for a week due to a family emergency. It was not for a reason you may think – not a physical injury or a death in the family – it was a mental health emergency. HELLO! THIS IS A VERY SIGNIFICANT EMERGENCY.
There are few things that I’ve learned in my 26 years that I’m 100% certain of, but I know one thing for sure: your childhood shapes who you are – who you become. You can deny this as much as you’d like, but facets of your youth always end up rearing their head when you least expect it. Your childhood reveals itself in the food you like, in the way you communicate, in the way you deal with pain, in the way you express gratitude. Your parents are usually an enormous part of moulding you into .. you.
But when is that point when you start realizing your parents are just .. humans? It’s often when you’re older, when you or your friends become parents. You start to see a world of growing and nurturing through a new set of eyes and you realize, hey, my parents were just like me once. Trying to figure things out.
No matter where you go, there you are. I never really thought about what that meant before now.
The ‘little team that could’, the pride of a city, the underdogs, the Winnipeg Jets made the Stanley Cup playoffs this year. It saddens me to say that they are now out of the playoffs, but that’s neither here nor there. They made it!
And with that wave of excitement and satisfaction that washed over my hometown came a wave of homesickness and unease that washed over me. Like an injury that becomes more apparent when the weather gets damp, it gnawed at me ever so slightly, masked by that layer of intense delight.
Featured song: “Jump” by Van Halen
I wasn’t raised in a sports filled home. Actually, I was raised in a home with a very noticeable lack of sports. Of any kind. The closest thing to athletic competition was me trying to pull a toy out of the jaws of a farm dog (and losing on a regular basis).
I don’t quite know what’s going on but despite the booming energy of this new city, I feel uninspired to write. Maybe I’m distracted. Maybe I’m too distracted. Also – technically it should be spring, but the colder weather is draining me. (I’m sure Winnipeg might be a little more understanding of that sentiment) We are so close to warm weather. So close, yet so far from what we desire. I have my spring dresses and pastel sneakers raring to go – but NOPE.
My creativity is waning just like my energy. I want to utilize this fantastic writing outlet but my brain is failing me. So I took to social media as a source of ideas, thinking maybe I could find someone who could light a spark.
“Write a post that’s a letter to one of your heroes… a famous person, or someone who is/was in your life and meant/means a lot to you.”
I’ve been so sick since Monday, and with the exception of work and a movie outing, I’ve been bed ridden. Some sort of stomach bug. It’s one of the least enjoyable of the manageable illnesses (not that any are enjoyable, really) because you don’t even get to indulge in any of your favourite comfort foods to make you feel better. I had to cancel two engagements.
So in cases like this, you’re essentially in bed, in pain, disgusting, and stewing in your own thoughts – waiting it out. On one of my better nights, I ventured to the Varsity theatre and took in a movie. Still Alice: an interesting pick for a Friday night. It was raw. Heart wrenching. Genuine. Tragic and afflictive. If you’re unaware of what it’s about, Julianne Moore plays a wife and mother of three who gets diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s disease. The film closely follows her struggle to grasp onto her once vibrant and successful self as the illness takes over all aspects of her life. So sick, in bed, I thought about this. I thought a lot about this.
I genuinely hope that March comes in like a lamb and goes out like a little baby bunny decked out in glitter and rainbows.
Because even in Toronto (!!!), winter has been exhausting. I’ve only been here one month (Today actually! Toronto-versary!) and the weather has been draining me. Isn’t it weird to think how LONG ago Christmas was and it is STILL winter?! I go to take the streetcar in the morning and the wind has actually made me nauseous – it’s that powerful. And by the time I get to work, I’m ten times more tired than when I woke up because it’s just .. gruelling. “Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.”